W O O D Y audience advice

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Keeping the tongue firmly in cheek, I’d like to share with you this guide

that was given to me by a nameless local legend solo musician.

Other musicians will probably knowingly nod at it’s contents. Like most things

that are supposed to be funny, there’s more than a few truths…..covered in

a healthy dose of sarcasm. If sarcasm isn’t your thing, better stop reading now

and save yourself the grief.

AUDIENCE ADVICE ……………(from those in the know)

· When requesting a song from the band, just say “play my song”, or

“it goes something like this”, then hum a few bars! We musicians have

a chip implanted in our heads with an unlimited database with the

favourite tunes of every patron who ever walked into a bar and all songs

ever recorded, so feel free to be vague as we love the challenge.

· If we tell you that we do not remember exactly what tune you want,

we’re only kidding. Bands know every song ever recorded, so keep humming.

Hum harder and louder if need be…it helps jog the memory.

· If a band tells you they do not know a song you want to hear, they either

forgot that they know the tune or they are just putting you on. Try singing

a few words for the band to help out…any words.

· If one member halfway knows part of a chorus, the rest of the band will

instantly learn the entire song by osmosis. Knowing this, if the band still claims

not to know your song, it helps to keep requesting the same song every time

there is a break or silence of any kind.

· It also helps to scream your request from across the room several times per set,

followed by the phrases “AW COME ON!!” and “YOU SUCK!!”. Exaggerated

hand gestures expressing disapproval anywhere in the venue are a big help

as well, such as the thumbs down or middle finger up. Put-downs are the best

way to jog a performers memory. This instantly promotes you to

“Personal Best Friend Of The Band”.

· Entertainers are notorious fakers and jokesters and never really prepare

for shows. They simply walk on stage with no prior thought to what they

will do once they arrive. An entertainers job is so easy, even a monkey could

do it, so don’t let them off the hook so easily. Doing your request is

the only thing that matters.

· If a metal band had played at a venue the night before, the next band that

follows will automatically know every metal tune the previous band ever played,

even if the current band is a blues, country or ABBA tribute band. It’s the law.

· Feel free to yell “ACCA DACCA!!” or “CHISEL!!” to a band that plays jazz,

blues, reggae, or strictly originals for that matter.

IMPORTANT

· When an entertainer leans over to hear your request better, grab his or her

head in both hands and yell directly into their ear, while holding their head

securely so they cannot pull away. This will be taken as an invitation to a

friendly game of tug-of-war between their head and your hands. Don’t give up!!

Hang on until the singer or instrumentalist submits.

Drummers are often safe from this fun game since they usually sit at the back,

protected by the other players. Keyboard players are often protected by their

instruments and only play the game when tricked into venturing out from behind

their keyboards. Though difficult to do, it’s not impossible, so…don’t give up!!

They’re especially vulnerable in the wasteful break between tunes.

TALKING WITH THE BAND

· The best time to discuss anything with the band in any meaningful way is in

the middle of a song when all the members are singing at the same time (such as

a multi-harmony part). Our hearing is so advanced that we can pick out your voice

from the megawatt wall of sound blasting around, and at us. Musicians are also

expert lip readers. If a musician doesn’t reply to your question or comment

during a tune, it’s because they didn’t get a good look at your mouth in order to

read your lips. Simply continue to scream your request over and over again, and

be sure to over emphasis the words with your lips. This is invaluable. Don’t be

fooled by the stunned look on the musicians face.

· Singers have the innate ability to answer any questions and sing at the same time.

If the singer doesn’t answer your questions immediately, regardless of the question

and the way it was asked, it’s because they’re purposely ignoring you. If this

happens, immediately cop an attitude or display the hand gestures mentioned

above.

HELPING THE BAND

· If you inform the band that you yourself are a singer, the band will appreciate your

immediate help with the next few tunes, or however long you can remain on stage.

Please just pretend you’re in a karaoke bar. Simply feel free to walk onto stage and

join in. By the way, the drunker and more aggressive you are, the better you sound

and the louder you should sing. If by chance you fall off the stage, make the band

stop and wait for you to rejoin them so you can sing harmonies. Keep in mind,

nothing excites a band more than outrageous dancing that threatens to demolish

thousands of dollars of gear, third part to fourth part harmonies, or a tambourine

played out of time. The band always needs the help and will take it as a compliment.

VERY IMPORTANT!

· Remember to allow enough time to make it from the stage to the bathroom,

in case of an emergency. On-stage accidents are rather bad form. Don’t worry,

the band will carry on and you can pick up where you left off.

BONUS TIP

· As a last resort, wait until the band takes a break and then you can get on stage

and start playing their instruments. They secretly love this. Even if you are ejected

from the venue or thrown from the stage, you can rest assured that you have

successfully completed your audition, and you can expect a phone call from the

band next day to offer you the sacked band member’s relevant position.

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